I only know 25 letters of the alphabet.
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The Comedy Shed and its host, “Antler Andy”
Goooood evening, Comedy Shed! [Taps mic.] What a sight, huh? I’m telling you, I look like a tropical tourist who got lost and ended up in a lumberyard! I mean, I don’t know what’s going on. One minute, I’m just minding my own business on the Saint Croix River, and the next, my buddy Dan Daley—the owner of this joint—is giving me this Hawaiian shirt! He says, “Andy, man, you’ve gotta get with the times!” And I’m like, “The times? What’s wrong with eating bark and looking majestic?!” And he says, “You’re a logger, not a hunter!” No, I’m a moose! Now I’m a logger… wearing a tropical shirt! It’s confusing!
My wife, she saw me in this thing and she says, “Andy, what is that? Are you going on vacation? To where? The swamp?” I said, “No, honey! I’m doing stand-up! I’m a professional!” She says, “You look like a walking postcard that got in a fight with a lawn mower!” I tell ya, no respect. But she’s right. I’m a big, hairy moose with these giant antlers, and I’m dressed like I’m about to go on a cruise ship! The squirrels in the front row are starting to pack their bags!
I went to a hardware store the other day. I tried to buy some sunscreen. I said to the guy, “I need sunscreen, SPF 50!” And he says, “Sir, you’re a moose! You’re covered in fur! You don’t need sunscreen!” I said, “I know, I know! But I have to be ready for the cruise! You never know when the sun’s going to come out in Maine!” He just looked at me like I had two heads.
Dan’s counting down the days. Six more years until retirement. He looks at me in this shirt and he says, “Andy, man, I’m really going to miss this.” And I’m like, “What? Me? The comedy?” And he says, “No! This shirt! I’m going to have to find a new one!” I tell ya, the man has a heart of gold. He saved me, he gave me this shirt, and now he’s thinking of retiring. I guess I’ll be the new owner of The Comedy Shed. The squirrels and beavers are already taking bets on how long I’ll last.
Well, I gotta go. My wife’s probably wondering where I am. She thinks I’m at the beach! Thanks, everybody, you’ve been a great audience!